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16 October 2008 @ 02:53 am
Some things always feel the same. Like, a perfect day in May after you finish your final spanish exam and you´re sitting in those plastic chairs that are attached to the desk, it is the last day of school and your teacher and some kid in class are playing their guitars for everyone. Some Bob Dylan and some of their own, seeing how they start out shy, filling the silence with words before they begin the music. As I´m listening and staring out the window, I see a bird fly up to a lightpost, and hearing my teacher, who looks much like a young Bob Dylan himself or just that he could be a folk singer, sing with a soft genuine voice, sweet melodies in his foreign tongue, I feel something.

I think about how someday in the future I won´t feel embarrassed to cry in public, they come as they will anyways, but in that time I won´t try to hide it, and wipe them away discreetly. When people comment on the wetness in my eyes, I will just shrug and say, "Yeah, I always cry during these things." In response they would open their eyes a little wider, shrug and nod. Everyone goes back to smoking their cigarette or texting on their cellphone, and I will still be completely inside my head.

These times of feeling adrift like birchwood, sinking, rising, falling down again, landing on the shore. And it always leads to this, now settled on land, not knowing what to do except lay there waiting...to explode into the sky, to spread the ash, to lay a blanket down for the smoke. To have a letter hidden inside a body. To decompose. It was a poem never told.
20 July 2008 @ 05:17 am
i remember the quiet moments
silence to me is not without the sound of crickets.
Current Music: the organ-memorize the city
16 February 2008 @ 02:53 pm
I am so happy and in love that I can't even talk about it without the words coming out all wrong, the tone not sounding exactly the way I want it to. The whole genuine sincerity of it all is what I want to convey.
Such solid feelings of safety, inclusion and welcome. I think people have a hard time trusting, but only after trust do the real fruits lie. It is scary, I suppose, to have someone know you from the inside. But it has been three years. Our love hits me like radiation, I'm burning from the inside, pouring out, I can't hide the crazy spontaneous thoughts that I blurt out. (They're ridiculous or brilliant and either way, you understand when it's brilliant, or you find it charming when it is ridiculous.) I wonder if it is incredibly narcissistic to think your own thoughts are too complex for most to ever get them. I think that's all I really want, to show plainly who I am, without insecurities or doubts. To lay it down for someone, anyone, and have someone relate. To be able to write a book based upon the accumulation of memories made in my life and materialize my mind into solid physical state, made of atoms, made of you and I. (Made of everyone)

I wonder if people realize how selfish they are to be so self indulgent all the time, in their woes and misgivings. Their perceived 'imperfections', the thing is, NOBODY CARES. Nothing means anything. Instead of just constantly thinking abut yourself as an unwhole person, try harder to become a whole person. I fall into this trap. I, also, get stuck in a piteous pit of self-deprecation and then I think, Wow, I spend way too much time thinking about myself and THAT IS WORSE THAN ANYTHING.

The things I think about and the things I want to think about are sometimes incongruent with one another. I want to think about Tibetan sky burials, duck-billed platypuses, giant salamanders, the Ganges River, the black pharaohs, how there are more pyramids in Sudan than all of Egypt, Walt Whitman, considering T.S. Eliot a poseur or considering William Carlos Williams a jealous zealot. I don't want to think about the looming breaching future, the defeatists, the rapists, the murderers, the ignorant, what he/she meant by that, if I am too nice, if my smile is weird, if I am weird, if I am a million other things, and if I should change. And it usually ends up happening, I will get stuck on thinking about these really stupid things, like the impression I must have left when I left, oh, how awkward that/he/she/I was. In the end, I realize, yes, I am making myself dull! Dull and vain and dull and vain and nothing like the person I want to be.

So I am aware. I have always been aware of certain things. Now, as I reach the end, I must just conclude and say I feel very loved and I love very much, despite my shortcomings. These feelings are what spurned my eagerness to write, anyways.
I finally came home after a long night of hanging out with lesbians on ecstasy. I barely felt high but when I reached his door is when it started kicking in. As we're laying in bed, looking at each other, I try to pour out all of my thoughts from my eyes. I tell Derrick, "You know this is real, right?" "I just hope you know it's real and it's because I love you and not because of anything."

We stayed up from 4 to 9 am, talking, loving, holding. Finding perfect crevices on each others bodies to lay our heads: my tummy, your hips, the small of my back, the side, our shoulders and chests.

They say your pupils dilate when you look at someone you love. And that is the perpetual high.
11 December 2007 @ 04:17 pm
Cooking, cleaning, buying things from craigslist, going to bed to "stretch" and ending up falling asleep with all the lights on, the record player skipping, the dvd on the title menu on loop in the living room, there is cut up onions and carrots on the cutting board and chewed paper towels on the floor of the kitchen (bad, puppy)...Wake up, it's morning, there is sun on our faces and a 'tssscchh' sound when we separate limbs. Kiss the morning hello while you get out of bed and in the next second I'm sleeping some more. Conscious again, I try to tell you about the dream I had while you were in the bathroom brushing your teeth.

"I was flying over these hills and I saw these really pretty houses so I landed to go look at them but I miscalculated the landing and ended up entering an indoor theme park that had a spinning ride shaped like U.F.O's that were incredibly realistic with pretty flashing lights, some babies were on it and their mommies were waving to them from the ground. I wanted to get back to what I had originally planned so I turned myself invisible so nobody could see me flying but I couldn't find the open window..."

"You dreamt all of that in 5 minutes?" We laugh at the amazing absurdity of it all. I pull you back in bed and squeeze a lot of love into our hug, and go back to sleep. The dreams after you're gone are never remembered. I have nobody to tell it to.
22 October 2007 @ 01:30 pm
down this path to a vaulted tunnel, whistling chirps of songbirds, feeling the echo. i've been far too aware in my life, i've been far too observant and mindful, in some ways i have all but completely dissolved my thoughts into action, worked up and bottled, slowly fizzling on my own. i am so honest that i lack any fantasy. i'm still ideal, but not naive. i don't understand my physical body but i understand my mental body. i am not trying to paint any portrait of myself, i just want to see what others see. in some ways, i am bettering myself everyday, in other ways, i am falling deeper and deeper into the rabbit's hole of self delusion. compressed, repressed, or just depressed?

so much and all alike, the relating, repeating, the gestures, the singing, hearing, but who's listening, keeping in mind, minding very much, the time, lost, these lines, hands, napping, bedtime, at rest in a state of unrest, the nest, nestling, nuzzling, taking flight, leaving behind invisible trails, tracked by scent, base to home base, liking repeating, humming inside, every breath, every step, not a prayer, a note to self (nothing is greater).
Current Music: romeo void-white sweater
12 October 2007 @ 09:55 pm
11 October 2007 @ 12:05 pm
the thermohaline cycle was on my mind. when the glaciers melt, the oceans stop moving and freezes over, transporting us back to the state of the world during the holocene. i thought about everything on earth shattering like crystals, chaos crashing, the tiny pieces that remain. my body shivered with goosebumps, the air felt like icicles and my mind was an avalanche, crashing over and over and over...

i thought about our bodies in a cryogenic state.
so still and quiet, i could hear the hollow emptiness of sound.
i thought about tibetan sky burial.
we were between the void and the divided space in the sky.
dead air, feeling alive
26 July 2007 @ 10:59 pm
I must run, grow feet and run and run and run, right now I have these fins, fine for swimming complacently around this tepid pool of convenience, this sea of traps, the bright neon lights, the sounds of rows of slot machines, that open fifth musical interval hypnotizing the stunned and blinded tourist, like a snakecharmer would do to a clueless cobra for durhams dropped by passerbys but I want to know when the water is boiling me alive and I need to jump out now. I always knew I needed to leave Las Vegas, and now that I've been gone for six months, in Europe, I don't want to wait any longer. The song inside my head is playing at 60 beats per minute but my heart will not rest. It is vibrating at a strange pace, sending out mixed signals. I think I need to run, but I really want to fly.

Possible destinations: nyc, reykjavik, barcelona...any suggestions?

Come this spring, I will be somewhere...else.
Come along?
Current Mood: ready
Current Music: heartbeat
14 June 2007 @ 04:22 pm
Finally, after tossing the idea of putting something down, I have decided to do it. I have come to the conclusion that I am more honest with myself, all the particles of myself, my thoughts and feelings than I have ever been. (and I have been told, in a lovely midnight walk with a ladyfriend that she is astonished at how honest I am) I am honest with my faults and my assets. I am working on being as honest as I can with the people I care about and love. I think after all these years of self evaluation and all these years of looking inward, the time I´ve spent on introspection has produced a serene calm state of self realization (As much as can be realized in 21 years).

I am no longer at risk. I wanted to set it down, hard, and hold a place of it´s own. I am more myself than I have ever been.
In only 13 more days, I am coming home.